Taking Accountability for Your Life is Sobering

Contemplating defeat or taking accountability?

I am not who I painted myself to be in my own head. Beforehand, I was showcasing this mirage of a person to the world, only to realize later that I was not HIM. Now, that same realization that I actually wasn’t who I was portraying to the world, is finally hitting my ego. Taking accountability for one’s life is always a sobering event.

I went to bed last night pondering all sorts of things. Right before I went to sleep, however, it hit me that I’m just not that guy. In ALL the ways. I finally admitted to myself that other guys were better than me. Not the top guys, guys that I had considered average. Those average guys were indeed better men than I was. It was time to face the facts.

I had always considered myself the best of the rest. Now, I no longer believe that’s true. Nevertheless, this is not in a self-deprecating type of ordeal or realization. It’s just an admission that needed to happen. I’m finally wiping the mist off of the mirror and looking at myself clearly.

Not admitting that fact had me in angst, wondering why I wasn’t getting the girl, the job, the money, and why I was stuck in my current situation. If I was better than the average guy next to me, why did he seem to be better off than me? Why does he have the things I want? 

That was not envy or jealousy, it was me taking account of the situation. I’m a guy who wants to be accountable to himself. But I also hate being what I consider average. Middle class to me is average. Not having a six-pack is average. Not having a sports car is average. Not bringing in $10k a month is average. Not having a house/condo that I’ve bought is average. Never having bought a house is average. Never having run a successful business is average. Never having won a championship or anything worthwhile for myself is AVERAGE. Taking accountability doesn’t have to suck, but it does if you’ve been hiding from the truth. 

Hiding from the truth behind a list of righteous things you’re doing is still living a lie.

Hell, in one of my recent races I found myself in a race with a world class racer, and I was just happy to be there. Before, I would have called myself names. There’s no name calling now, because it is what it is. I’m not him. I’m below average actually.

The question is that now, at 41-years-old heading into year 42; What am I going to do about it? 

The reaching, the yearning, the stress, it began to show in my posture. I could see it. I was wondering why my posture had been eroding. It’s all a mental thing. My mental state of reaching, yearning, wondering, living the lie.

I always knew that as we gain years, life gets deeper, more technical with experience. I was always a “by the book” type of guy. While that helped me keep the reign on myself and what I considered were the righteous things to do, I’ve always had the shadow side which was into the not-so-righteous side of life as well. I’m not wrong for having vices.

But what is righteous if it makes you unhappy and you’re living in stress? Living a lie isn’t righteous. 

There are things I will never accept, like not being in shape. 

Something else I should never accept is not being as successful as a man as possible. 

How did I not see that? Why was it okay for me to be mediocre for so long? 

The admittance that mediocre guys are better than me brought me to this. This point. It’s kind of a singularity in my life.

I’m not the best of the rest. I’m hardly close to the top of the class. I’d be better off admitting I’m towards the bottom and that my true desire is to be extremely elite in all categories.

As it stands right now, I’m lower middle class renting a shitty apartment in the ridiculous Midwest of the North American continent in Ohio. I’m living paycheck to paycheck, have a ton of debt, and spend my money frivolously, lying to myself about my whys. 

I literally don’t know what I’m doing with my life, other than wasting the days pretending, AGAIN, to be headed somewhere I’m obviously not. Am I doing some things? Sure. But doing those things doesn't make me anybody, it just means I’m doing things with my time.

I don’t know the answer or the key, and that’s been happening more and more. I don’t have the answers that I need. Maybe I don’t need the answers. Maybe the answers are already in front of me. 

It’s possible I’m lazy. I promised myself it would happen on its own. I believed that if I just kept going it would magically take shape. 

Taking accountability is a start.

I literally don’t know what I need to do, but I think even if I did, I would just waste time because I knew that if I did those things, it would happen.

It starts with a step, right? I have to take a step, any step. Then I have to take another. Maybe at some point those little steps turn into a jog, a run, a sprint. But I have no business thinking about those things. There are too many things that I have to handle, and they all have to be handled right now. 

I have plenty to do as it is. I don’t need a plan or need to know what to do, but the first order of business is handling my personal affairs. 

I’ve let a lot of things slide in my life, and I can’t afford to do that anymore. Winners take every measure necessary to win. 

Nothing else matters. I cannot be average. I can’t be mediocre. Every day that I’m average kills me. 

Taking accountability might be a daily thing. Taking account of my days HAS to be a daily thing.